Formerly known as "The Boston Sports Guy" Bill Simmons is a sports columnist for Page2 on ESPN.com. He has dropped the "Boston" and is now known as "The Sports Guy." He is also very funny.
In his article titled Revisiting Level 1: Consider these teams officially tortured, Simmons goes through and ranks the fifteen sports teams that are currently eligible for a Level 1 defeat.
He explains levels of defeats in a previous article he wrote titled Welcome to the Levels of Losing 2.0, which he links to in this most recent article.
In this article he corrects some mistakes that he feels he made in his other article. His writing is very clever, at one point he says, " Limiting Level 1 to the Red Sox was purely an only-child, everything-revolves-around-me decision." This of course referring to his primary interest being in Boston sports.
Simmons lists and explains the six variables that allows a fan to be considered fully tortured. Then he goes through the 15 most tortured teams.
His witty tone can actually make readers LOL. The article is organized really well and he is able to tie in the first few lines with the last few lines. He scatters funny references to non-sports topics that people can relate to. For example, he wrote, "Cold weather and losing go together as easily as John Travolta and horrendous haircuts."
In addition to his humorous writing, he knows a lot of information. He has an example for every scenario he mentions. He uses funny letters from readers that are suffering with their team's defeat.
His 6 factors that allow you to be considered completely tortured:
1. You need at least a 35-year drought without a title.
2. That 35-year rule doesn't apply to relocations.
3. During that 35-plus years without a title, it's not enough to lose. You need to have your guts wrenched a few times.
4. Only teams in cold-weather cities are eligible for Level 1 unless the situation is so cruel/unusual/unforgiving that it's practically unprecedented.
5. You need to be just pessimistic enough to keep your guard up for a sucker punch but just optimistic enough to keep lowering your guard at the worst possible time.
6. Outsiders need to instinctively empathize during a Level 1 takedown.
The top (or bottom) 15 teams that are actually eligible for a Level 1 defeat.
14-15. Seattle Mariners/Seahawks
13. Portland Trail Blazers
12. Philadelphia Eagles
11. NY Jets
10. Cleveland Cavaliers
9. Buffalo Sabres
8. New York Knickerbockers
7. Toronto Maple Leafs
6. San Francisco Giants
5. Cleveland Indians
4. Cleveland Browns
3. Buffalo Bills
2. Minnesota Vikings
1. Chicago Cubs
To wrap up the article he shared a final email from yet another suffering Vikings fan. He reassured Patrick from Albany, and all sports fans that "No, being a sports fan isn't just masochism with commercials. Yes, the misery and despair will be worth it some day. Keep the faith."
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